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Let's Talk About Sex
...Sex addiction, that is—and why few in the gay community want to talk about it
by Patrick J. Vachon LMSW-ACP
It is not surprising that the sexual oppression of the gay culture prior to
Stonewall was met with an explosion of sexual energy. In the ’70s, it was
acceptable and even expected that gay men be sexually active and
"promiscuous." Because of years of oppression, much of the gay community
felt entitled to unleash the pent-up sexual energy. Often, those who chose not
to be active were labeled as prudish or sex phobic. The pursuit of sex,
one-night stands, and other forms of anonymous sex became considered a normal
part of gay culture. (This, by the way, paralleled the "sexual revolution"
of mainstream America.) For many gay men, drugs, alcohol, and sex became a way
of life.
Since the beginning of my
practice I have been working primarily in the gay and lesbian community. I’ve
worked with people on various addictions and compulsive behavior, and over the
past 20 years I have seen the perception of drug and alcohol use changing. The
development of recovery groups and 12-step organizations has steadily increased,
and the clean and sober community has grown by leaps and bounds nationwide. Sex
addiction, however, is still a largely un-addressed problem, a problem that only
recently has begun to come into the light.
Like other addictions, sex
addiction has held a strong, negative stigma. It wasn’t until the beginning of
Alcoholics Anonymous that the addiction to alcohol was brought out of the closet
and recognized as an illness in mainstream culture. We now realize that alcohol
and drug addictions are present across the entire socioeconomic, religious, and
cultural spectrum. The same is true with sex addiction. Not only does it affect
every class of people, but it also affects people regardless of gender or sexual
orientation. Like the now-outdated view of alcoholism, sexual addiction is
greatly misunderstood by both the mainstream and gay population.
What does sex addiction look
like? Like many alcoholics, most sex addicts go undetected and live otherwise
normal lives. The addiction may take the form of an ongoing pursuit of sexual
activity such as cruising bars, baths, parks, restrooms, or bookstores. For
others it may appear as an ever-increasing pursuit of sex or sexual fantasy on
the Internet. Still others might find that pornography—either printed or
video—are the drug of choice. Others find themselves trapped in a routine of
calling 900 numbers for phone sex or cruising in their cars till late in the
night looking for tricks, prostitutes, or prostituting themselves. Still others
might find themselves enveloped in the sex industry, selling or trading
themselves or making pornography. Whatever the form, the chemical rush that
results produces an escape route into unconsciousness.
The basic agenda of any
addiction is: escape. Escape from the pains of everyday life, from loneliness,
fear, anger, or depression, escape from the pressures of a homophobic
culture—all of these aches can be temporarily "medicated" by the
intoxicating rush of a sexual high. Like other addictions, sex addiction is
often deeply rooted in childhood experiences. Wounds from childhood, which are
often magnified by one’s being gay or lesbian, often feel too painful to deal
with, and the escape of the addiction is sought.
To play devil’s advocate,
you may ask: Why not escape?—lots of sex sounds pretty enjoyable. The problem
is, escape just doesn’t work very well. Like other drugs, the high soon wears
off and the pain returns. More escape is sought, the cycle occurs again, and
again...and again, sometimes for years, sometimes for a lifetime. And further,
at an even more basic level, when you "escape" from yourself, it means
you’re living a life that is based in untruth, in a basic alienation from who
you are. When you try and seal pain off in a closet and escape from it, it
endures. Only when you face the pain can it be healed.
As I begin to write on the
controversial topic of sex addictions, I understand that some in the gay
community might argue that I’m supporting heterosexual norms and gay
oppression, that this only colludes with those who preach about the "sexual
perversity" of the gay community. Sex addiction is not something that the gay
community wants to admit is prevalent, and understandably so. There is certainly
a reasonable fear that this issue might be used against the community, just as
the very real problems of alcohol and drug addiction and teen suicide have been.
Also, the culture at large sends a message that "gay sex is bad"—so it’s
easy to see how gay people revolt against any message telling us that there
might be a problem with gay sex. But as good and as right as gay sex is, our
community needs to face that we’ve created a culture in which sexual addiction
is widespread. And we must remember, an addiction is a disease, not a weakness.
It is not something to be ashamed of—that will only get in the way of figuring
out how to treat it, how to break out of its self-destructive cycle.
It is my hope that we’ve
grown strong enough as a community that we can discuss some of our problems
without growing defensive or leveling charges of "internalized homophobia."
This article is merely being written to communicate a problem that is present
within both the heterosexual and homosexual community. If you can relate to the
information to follow, it may be helpful as well as hopeful. If you believe that
it does not apply to you, then you may well not have a problem with compulsive
or addictive sexual behavior. Or...you may not be ready or willing to hear the
information. At any rate, I deliver this information and observations with an
open heart—I hope that it is received with an open mind.
How do you know if you are a sex addict? In general it is a process that can start in childhood or young
adulthood and then progress over time to a point of becoming unmanageable,
interfering with all aspects of life, destroying relationships, careers, and
lives.
I would like to clarify that someone who engages in masturbation, anonymous sex,
or pornography is not necessarily a sex addict. You might ask yourself: Is this
a joyful, nurturing part of my life? Do I have control over it? Does it feel
like it is an expression of my innermost being?—or is it something in which I
feel cut off from myself, an emptiness? Sexual addiction, although difficult to
identify at times, has a specific set of characteristics that accompany it,
including certain patterns of increased frequency, duration, or intensity.
Patrick Carnes, author and researcher in the field of sex addiction, identifies
seven themes present in sex addicts.
1) A recurrent pattern of inability to resist sexual impulses. Many people report
an inability to control themselves once a sexual preoccupation begins. A person
at the gym might be sexually triggered by another man—as the excitement takes
over, the workout is interrupted or terminated. Someone shopping at a grocery
store might find himself or herself unable to continue shopping and find they
cruise instead.
2) Engaging in those behaviors to a greater
extent, or over a longer period of time than intended. Many people report
entering an Internet chat room and find themselves hours later unable to leave.
Others might find themselves cruising the bars or streets for sex long after
their intended departure time. Still others might find themselves masturbating
to pornography more intensely or for longer than intended even to the point of
physical harm. This dynamic is analogous to an individual who says "just one
more drink," and is unable to stop.
3) A persistent desire or unsuccessful
attempts to reduce, limit, stop, or control those behaviors. Once identified as
a problem, most sex addicts will make an attempt to stop, limit, or control
their behavior, only to find themselves unable to follow through with their
promise. Some might attempt to control it by limiting the behavior to weekends,
home, or specific places. They might partake in a particular sexual activity
when their partner is away or when out of town. This is similar to an alcoholic
that "only drinks on the weekend" or "only drinks beer" in an attempt to
control or modify their addiction.
4) Spend large amounts of time acquiring sex, being sexual, or recovering from
sexual episodes. Many sex addicts report spending long periods of time acquiring
sex or sexual images, whether it is at bars, baths, parks, bookstores, Internet,
pornography, or the gym. In addition others report being sexual for long
periods. Long periods of masturbation, sexual binges, voyeuring, exhibiting, or
Internet intrigue. Stories often include comments that they were "sucked
into" the situation. People often report going into a "trance"-like state
while on the Internet, watching videos, or cruising the baths. "Sex
hangovers" or recovery periods are a common report.
5) A preoccupation with the sexual behavior or preparation for it. The planning for
a sexual experience might begin hours, days, or weeks in advance. A trip to a
circuit party in which sexual acting out is anticipated might be planned long in
advance, creating a sexually charged excitement that begins long before the act
itself. Depending on the specific behavior embraced, there may be preparation or
ritual involved. A specific route home from work might be planned out or
anticipated, knowledge of a partner going away on a business trip or otherwise
away from home may begin the planning of an acting-out episode. There are often
specific cruising clothes worn to be sexually inviting, or going to certain
places, or drinking certain alcoholic beverages which might become part of a
ritual.
6) Engaging in sexual behaviors at the expense of work, school, family, or
relationship. It is very common for addicts to allow the addiction to interfere
with other responsibilities. Work meetings and projects might be canceled or
delayed either consciously or unconsciously. Plans with friends might take a
back seat.
Many people report staying in Internet chat rooms or porn websites long after a
partner has requested that they join them in bed or other activities. Others say
they spend extensive time at work in Internet chat rooms or porn sites. In fact
some statistics report that the majority of "hits" on Internet sexually
oriented sites occur between 8 and 5, while people are at work, away from
partners, family, and home, obviously interfering with work productivity. Many
sex addicts report planning their days, evenings, or weekends around sex.
7) Continuing the behavior despite knowledge of social, financial, or physical
ramifications. The devotion to the addiction continues despite the potential for
harm. Knowledge that cruising tearooms or public parks might lead to arrest or
that other physical, legal, or financial consequences are possible is not enough
to stop addictive acting out. Although someone may know that they are risking
HIV infection, is not enough to stop a high-risk behavior. It is not uncommon
for individuals to spend vast amounts of money on sex or sexual acquisitions
while bills remain unpaid.
For those individuals who have a problem with compulsive sexual acting out or
who are in a relationship with someone who does, there is hope and help
available. There are many groups based on the model of Alcoholics Anonymous that
are very effective.
Everyone has a shadow, that
part in the back of your psyche that feels dark, hard, perhaps too hard to look
at. But bringing our shadows into the light of day in a way that is loving and
responsible, that is the way to grow and become whole, fulfilled individuals. As
a gay and lesbian community it is important that we continue to look at our
shadow as we continue our collective mission of healing, hope, and equity.
Addictions—whether to drugs, smoking, food, sex, or some other addictive
substance or activity—eat away at the foundation of individuals, communities,
and society at large. As we continue our forward movement out of the closet and
into the societal light, let us be collectively mindful of our shadows as well.
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