|
|
<< Articles
Relationships, Imagine!
The Imago Model explains why your lovers keep driving you crazy—and
why you should thank them for it
by Patrick Vachon, LMSW-ACP
 here
is not one word that creates tremor in people more than the word
"relationships." Sometimes we desire them, sometimes we detest
them. We obsess about not having one, followed by a strategy to get out
of one. Extreme and difficult in the most normal of times, Valentine's
Day focuses a spotlight on these pinings and passions, making them even
more unbearable and acute.
Historically, men
and women have joined together for tribal, cultural, political, or
economic purposes. However, as religious, political, and economic shifts
began to occur during the 15th century, so did the purposes for
connection in committed relationships. Romantic love began to be the
reason for partnership. Gay relationships follow along this same course,
with perhaps even more of an emphasis on that starry ideal of Romantic
Love. As a culture, we've become addicted to the love drug. But believe
it or not, romantic love is actually just a hollow preview of the
possibilities of an intimate, conscious relationship.
The model that I
have been trained and operate from both personally and professionally is
known as Imago Relationship Therapy. Initially developed by Harville
Hendrix, author of many books in the area of relationships including
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and Keeping the Love You
Find: A Guide For Singles, Imago presents an understandable and
practical approach to maximizing the potential in all human
relationships.
"We are born
in relationship, we are wounded in relationship," says Hendrix.
"And we must heal in relationship." No matter how splendid a
childhood we had, everyone acquires psychic wounds that keep us from
being happy, fulfilled, and loving adults. However, Imago theory teaches
us how we can use our adult relationships to heal these childhood scars.
Of course, Imago did not invent the way to have a healthy relationship:
It just describes the process and developed some techniques to help
people in the places we often get stuck.
According to Imago
theory, when we are attracted to a potential love partner, we're
actually picking the perfect person to help us work through our wounds
from childhood. Whether gay or straight, female or male, we tend to be
drawn to someone who is a reasonable facsimile of the person or people
who wounded us in childhood. The combined traits, both negative and
positive, of our male and female caretakers from childhood form what is
called our Imago. These Caretaker Traits become our "love
script" as we begin a search for a partner.
Once we have found
our Imago match, the relationship journey continues in fairly
predictable stages. First is the "Romantic Love Stage," which
is generally fairly short, lasting three to six months. This stage might
be significantly shorter or a little longer depending on factors such as
geographic distance, previous relationship history, or level of
childhood wounding. An interesting note is that as people cycle through
relationships, the romantic love stage seems to become shorter. This
stage is followed by the "Power Struggle" phase, which can and
often does last for a long time, generally ending in emotional and or
physical separation. The third stage is the state of a "Conscious
Relationship." It is in this stage that we can maximize the
potential of the relationship that our unconscious has methodically
sought out.
The 3 stages of relationship
Romantic Love: An altered state of consciousness
Most of us know
too well about the Romantic Love Stage, the much-sought-after state of
"falling in love" period. This stage is characterized by a
state of euphoria, excitement, and ecstasy. With the injection of
"Cupid's Arrow," we often slip into a state of
unconsciousness, staying up late, wanting to play more and work less,
spending money we don't have, or calling our newfound "love"
many times a day. Connection is the prime objective and all other
agendas seem insignificant. We will often neglect our physical body,
spend less time with family or friends, and have little or no interest
in our jobs or careers.
This Romantic
Stage of relationships is in fact an altered state of consciousness.
Blinded by love, we enter a state of denial, which is necessary for the
process to continue. We deny the negative traits of our new partner
while magnifying the positives. Our friends might say things like,
"Don't you think she drinks a bit too much?" "Isn't he a
bit controlling?" or "He sure is mean to you." You are
all the while making excuses: "He's had a hard week" or
"She's just having a rough day." We are quite literally
drugged by a surge of endorphins and adrenaline. The prime directive of
this phase is in fact to get two people who are incompatible (more
later) to be blinded long enough to make an intimate connection. Once
the connection and some form of commitment is established, the couple
has the potential to do some incredible healing and growth. There is
only one problem. Most of us are unaware of the underlying relationship
agenda to heal our wounds and become scared when the shift occurs.
As with all drugs,
the effects of the drug of Cupid's Arrow eventually wear off and we are
faced with the realities of the relationship that we have created. It
sometimes feels like someone has entered in the middle of the night and
stolen the person that we first fell in love with. We often begin to
feel that we have "married our parents." If you have ever been
in a relationship where you have thought or said things like, "You
treat me just like a child," "You act just like my
mother," or "You sound just like my father," then you
have successfully accomplished the initial stage of relationships.
Congratulations!
The good news:
Romantic Love is supposed to happen. The bad news: Romantic Love is
supposed to end. Little or no healing or growth is likely to occur
within a relationship when the couple is in Romantic Love. After all,
how much growth can occur when someone is intoxicated? The drug itself
inherently limits our capacities to grow. That is not to say that we
don't experience it as fun. In fact, our culture glorifies it; as a
society we have become "addicted to love." Many people jump
from one romantic love relationship to the next; disillusioned when the
romance ends, they begin a new search for a new romantic high.
The Power Struggle: Sleeping with the enemy
Once the drug has
significantly worn off for one or both partners, the second stage of
relationships begins. Say hello to the "Power Struggle."
During the
Romantic Love phase we generally see our partners from a positive
perspective. We tend to be blinded to the negatives, or at least
discount them enough to remain connected. When the Power Struggle begins
there is a tendency to negate the positives and see mainly the
negatives. In fact the very traits of our partner that caused us to fall
for them in the first place will likely begin to drive us crazy in the
Power Struggle Phase. The man I originally admired for his
"calmness, stability, and groundedness" during the Romantic
Love phase, I might suddenly be wondering what I saw in this boring
dork. If you were attracted to that lively, outgoing woman you met at
the Rainbow Club, you may be feeling embarrassed by how loud and pushy
she suddenly seems.
Elation and
excitement have flip-flopped to frustration and often despair. The
experience of people in the Power Struggle stage is often reported as
like walking in a mine field--or being a mine field Our triggers and
buttons are being pushed every which way. Issues that we overlooked in
the Romantic Love stage become frighteningly apparent.
These land mines
feel very real. What couples don't yet realize is that the mines were
planted many years ago and are a result of those unmet needs and
childhood wounds. The potential in intimate love relationships is to
locate these land mines and disarm them. To locate them, however, it is
generally necessary to trip over them first. If unaddressed, the Power
Struggle becomes a continual bombardment of exploding mines, often
resulting in some missing arms and legs--or at least some further
wounding of all those hurt parts of our psyche.
If the Power
Struggle continues unchecked, there are fairly predictable outcomes.
Many couples adapt by living a parallel relationship. On the surface
these relationships may appear non-conflictual and fairly peaceful. They
are sometimes the couples that are in long-term relationships but rarely
connect. In reality, the couple has adapted with an "I do my thing,
you do yours" attitude, an unspoken agreement of "don't stir
the pot." They may live in the same house and sleep in the same
bed, but true connection rarely occurs. The communication is generally
limited to the essentials of day-to-day living. Problems are not
addressed, conflict is avoided.
A second outcome
is what we call the hot relationship, with an endless cycle of explosive
fighting and reconciling. These relationships have the potential of
being very intense, both in the conflict of separation and the passion
of reconciliation. Unconsciously, one or both partners may be picking
fights so that the reconnecting energy might occur. Although this
results in at least momentary closeness (and sometimes great sex), the
intimacy proves a transitory illusion as the cycle continues once again.
A final way to
adapt to the Power Struggle is to end the relationship. Many couples go
through years of ongoing, low-level conflict, pain, and distance, which
they never address on a conscious level. This ongoing negative energy
creates a variety of defensive postures which further separation.
Usually, one partner reaches a threshold and terminates the
relationship.
We may have
unconsciously picked our partners to recreate the hurtful patterns and
damage of our original caretaker, so that we may heal these old bruises.
But, being unconscious, when the pain and land mines start in, the most
common response is ... defense! Different people defend themselves
either by fight, flight, freezing, or submission (roll over and play
dead). Although these forms of defense are attempts to gain safety
within the relationship, they don't address the origin of the pain, and
generally just produce distance.
There are
certainly times of real danger when distance is necessary to secure
one's safety. But most of our defensive reactions are out of proportion
to the real threat. In general these defense postures were learned many
years ago in our childhood when they were actually effective.
Unfortunately these same postures now limit and sabotage our adult
relationships. We create what we defend against; defensiveness always
creates more defensiveness unless the other party has the consciousness
to stop the attack. If we see our partner as the enemy we will likely
treat them that way, and be treated that way in return. This cycle must
cease if the relationship is to move in a healing healthy direction.
The Conscious Relationship: Break up or breakthrough?
Unfortunately most
couples break up just before the breakthrough. Like a good workout at
the gym, the most growth occurs at the final repetitions of the
exercise. This is also the point that most people want to quit,
exhausted. There is, however, another option: Take the relationship to
the next level, the stage of Conscious Relationship. What a tremendous
innate potential is possible when two people come together with mutual
dignity, respect, and commitment to healing and growth.
To create a
Conscious Relationship, Imago teaches a process of dialogue and
stretching. Lovers must first and foremost establish safety. Easier said
than done. To help keep partners from squaring off into their accustomed
defensive positions, the Imago method teaches a technique called an
"intentional dialogue," which is really just solid
compassionate listening. When discussing a conflict or trauma, each
partner expresses what they feel, and then tries to repeat back what the
other says, validating the other's reality, although not necessarily
agreeing with them. As the partners discuss each other's feelings, each
should remember that their partner is just reacting from patterns they
learned as children that kept them safe and alive. As we better
understand and empathize with our partner, we find that self-knowledge
follows. The two partners start to see how each contributes to the
collective drama: the drama that is their relationship, the psychic
drama of each person's journey to awareness and well-being.
But even with
open, safe dialogue, change is still almost stubbornly difficult. There
is generally a myth in relationships that partners don't change or meet
each other's needs because they don't want to. Although this is
sometimes the case, it is the rare exception. Instead, in Imago therapy
we've seen that one person's greatest need within the relationship is
always met with the other person's greatest defense. Usually we've
specifically picked someone who has trouble meeting our needs because of
their own childhood wounds. And, it is in these situations that the true
potential of a relationship exists, as we "stretch" beyond our
learned defensive patterns.
In moving from
talking to doing, the Imago method next teaches partners a process for
"stretching." Through the intentional dialogue, you ask your
partner for several "behavior changes," ways you'd like to see
him or her change within the relationship to meet your needs--knowing
that it's going to be difficult because of their past wounding. Choosing
one of your requests, your partner then slowly stretches through their
resistance against giving it. Like the gym analogy, muscle growth must
occur slowly. If someone tries to lift too much too fast, the body will
resist and collapse. Likewise, if emotional change is attempted too
fast, the emotional body will resist. And slowly and methodically, the
one having the need begins to get it met, while the partner who has the
resistance begins to grow through their defensive posture.
Amazingly, as
couples experience this win/win exuberance of healing and growth, they
stop seeing conflict as a burden, and shift to the viewpoint that
"conflict is growth trying to happen." Our genius selves
picked those partners with which we'll find conflict, and now our
compassionate and wise selves can use that conflict to heal the places
where we're stuck and hurt and not living a full and loving life.
The safety and
dropping of defenses only builds. Contrary to much of our childhood
learning, defenselessness in a "conscious relationship"
contributes to more vulnerability and honesty, which leads to increased
safety. "In my defenselessness my safety lies." Once safety is
established, joy and connectedness follow. Instead of a blind romance
doomed to speedy failure, or a violent and numb destructive marriage, we
can create an intimacy that is physically, emotionally, sexually,
spiritually, playfully, and intellectually alive, and use our brilliant
relationship to reframe our lives and our journey to self-actualization.
|
|
|
